April Fool 2015/Transcript
{The SonicTheH.com welcome screen is visible, but dim. On the left is "com on this w site", with the "e and eb" in "come website" having fallen down below the words. On the right is "watch my intro"; the "a" has fallen a bit and has pushed aside some of the letters below it. Sonic The Hedgehog, though dim like the rest of the screen, appears as normal. The top-left corner of the screen is sagging slightly. Wind can be heard in the background. After a few seconds, a drop of water falls and Sonic sighs. The sagging corner falls a little over the next line, exposing some HTML behind it.} Sonic: {aside, to himself} You got this, Sonic. This is nothin'. Just like fallin' off a web van. {The lights come on.} Sonic: Oh, hello, Debra! {turns to the side} Simone! {angrily leans into the camera} The internet! {leans back} I am what you might call Sonic The Hedgehog. {beat, then throws confetti. Out of the side of his mouth:} Yaaaay! Over the last several years of my dot com, peoples all the time be askin' me: "Hey Sonic! How come you stopped updating—" {Sonic starts coughing and sputtering.} Sonic: Ahem! Sorry, got some {a piece of crab, with a drop of blood falling from it, appears from inside his mouth} crab shell stuck in my throat. {throws it aside} Continuing. "How come you stopped updating the best feature on your website?" And to that I answer: "You mean how come I stopped updating the Sonic Boom Art gallery back in the year 2014?" {holds up the Sonic Boom Art} I don't know! Let's go update it right now, Joshy! {He winds up to run toward stage left.} Sonic: Yup. You guessed it. {takes off} Peow! {Another drop of water falls after he is gone. Cut to the "Sonic Boom Gallery", as noted by a banner on the top of the screen. It is a museum entryway, entirely done in the style of the older toons. There is a statue of Sonic with a leaf over his crotch and olive branches on his head, holding a tablet that reads "PLVRBVS OVRBVS". In the lower-right corner are two banners reading "SEE THE GALLERY" and "SUBMIT YOUR OWN". Sonic, in his modern appearance, walks in and looks at the statue.} Sonic: Whoa-hoa-hoa! Hello there, magnificent specimen. {takes the leaf} Poink! {he places it over his own crotch} That's better. Let's get started. {He turns to look at a Sonic allegedly submitted This Art. It shows the iron shavings placed to look like eyes and a bird beak on the back of Sonic's head.} Sonic: {from offscreen} This Art Looks Blender From {Cut back to Sonic.} Sonic: OH MY GOSH {Turns to look at one from This Art written on } Sonic: {from offscreen} Here's one Art Makes Looks Picnic On It {Cut back to Sonic as he snickers, then breaks out laughing.} Sonic: Haaa! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! It's the letter— This {snickers again, and then turns to the side} Sticks, ya gotta see this! {doubles over} It's the letter unknow Followed by a period! {rolls over onto his back} Ha ha ha ha ha! Who puts a period after the letter unknow?! {calming down} Ohh man, I'm gonna stand back up. {starts to get up} I'm'a stand back up right now. {stands up} Whew! I am on a roll! What else can we update? I know! Let's bring everybody's favorite AOSTH cartoons— {Cut to the intro to AOSTH} Sonic: {from offscreen} —into the modern age! {AOSTH Sonic appears, Runs He approaches AOSTH Tails.} Sonic: {from offscreen} With my patented Colorarization! {Colors appear from the right side of the screen with the blinking word "COLORARIZATION!" appearing. The colors are mostly .} AOSTH Tails: {very distorted} Am I up with the times? AOSTH Sonic: Sorry,AOSTH Tails. You're an affront to God and Fox! {He kicks the can into AOSTH Tails, and both disappear with a "PAFH!" cloud and sound effect. AOSTH Sonic kicks and opens his mouth as the scene cuts back to modern-day Sonic, with the leaf in his mouth.} Sonic: Oh, man, these updates are great! Let's keep going! {swallows the leaf} Ooh, how's about some new words for the old Sonic Talker? {The Sonic Talker appears. With different sound effects, "KITCHENETTE", "DRACONIAN", and "POINK" appear in the corners. A mouse cursor clicks the following words, and the Sonic in the Talker says them in his old voice:} Sonic: {in the Talker} Kitchenette. Knuckles. Is. Making. Draconian. Right. Poink. Knuckles: {from offscreen} Draconian Right poink?! Oh, that is it!! I'm going to appear onscreen! Now. {The cursor clicks on "Alright".} Sonic: {in the Talker} All riiiiight! {Cut to the Sonic Boom Gallery, where Knuckles is now in front of Sonic.} Sonic: Oh! Hi, Simone! Knuckles: This is clearly not what they meant when they asked about updating the website's best feature! {Closeup on Sonic.} Sonic: Uhhhh... yeah, it is. It's all the best junk from my dot com! {Knuckles leans into the shot.} Knuckles: Oh yeah? Well what about... {Leaves and then sits down at the Happy 8600 .} Knuckles: {typing} knuckles_eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_windows7desktoptheme {He hits Enter, and a desktop theme with Sonic Boom Artwork Knuckles and "COMPUTER" labeled with an icon of Knuckles Pose Shortly thereafter, icons for "NETWORK" Knuckles On His computer screen "DOCUMENTS" (Knuckles in front of a stack of papers), and "TRASH BIN" Computer Your DELETE Here appear one at a time} Happy: {in Knuckles's original voice} Welcome Knuckles: Whoa! Sounded good there! I had a lot more EveryDay in my accent back then. Let's update that jank! C'mere, System Mic! {A small tab appears from the left side of the monitor, and a telescoping microphone appears and extends toward Knuckles.} Knuckles: Windows 7 system startup sound, go! {A window labeled "sys.mic" appears, showing the sound wave of Knuckles's next line.} Knuckles: {singing} bum bum lala weeeeooow Welcome to Windows 7. {jumps up from his chair and yells:} WHY ARE YOU STILL USING WINDOWS 7??! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!! STOP BUYING COMPUTERS FROM THRIFT STORES, MAN!! {Cut to a wide shot, showing Sonic standing nearby.} Sonic: 'Scuse me, Knuckles. Wanna help me record a duet of my Win7 System Shutdown song? Knuckles: {apprehensively} Oh, I dunno... Sonic: {to the camera} Oh, come on, folks, who wants to hear it? {A crowd cheers from offscreen.} Sonic: On this stage tonight, the two great guys back together! Knuckles: I mean I couldn't possibly... I couldn't think to want to... and {unintelligible} {smiles} Oh, very well. Hit it, Sonic! {Cut to Sonic, talking into the Happy's microphone.} Sonic: One, two, three, four, five... {Cut further back. Sonic is wearing a gray fedora and shirt, blue jeans, and now has the Happy's mic strapped to his face.} Sonic: {singing off-key} And now the love! {Knuckles's head floats by} Knuckles: {singing} And now the love! Sonic: That lasts forever! {Knuckles's head appears with gold teeth with "4", "E", "V", and "A" written on them.} Knuckles: You know it's lasted forever! {Two Sonics appear.} Sonic: Has cooome— {Knuckles slides in on his knees.} Knuckles: Come Down— Sonic: —to— Knuckles: —to— {Cut to Knuckles's computer room. Sonic is dressed normally, although both he and Knuckles Bad have leaves over their crotches, and both characters} BOTH: —its eeeeeeeeeee... {The screen fades out and their voices trail off, but it immediately brightens back up and they complete the word.} BOTH: ...eeeeeeeenduh! {The screen switches Black Background After a few seconds,} Sonic: {from offscreen} Thanks for updatin' the website with me, Knuckles! Knuckles: {from offscreen} Yeah, that wasn't so bad! We should do this again soon. Sonic: {from offscreen} Three years soon, or like five years soon? {The text starts to tilt.} Knuckles: {from offscreen} Y'know, five, ten, fifteen, whate— whatever it takes.